See you next Tuesday

Or this Tuesday

I sit for my daily triple triple and bagel and look out the window.  I see blue sky despite a chilly morning.  Cars go by on their way to work.  And all of this would be happening whether I was here or not.  

Don't get me wrong...I'm not being cryptic.  My whole point is life goes on.  We have a deep rooted arrogance in that we are indispensable.  Life stops when we do and starts again when convenient for us.  It would be nice at times but that's not how life works.  I had a job in which I thought they'd be stupid to let me go.   I didn't consider that someone else who didn't care about my or anyone else's contributions would buy the company and decide we were not needed.   It was a bitter pill to swallow, but one I kinda needed.   It changed me a bit.   Since then I decided that as far as work was concerned I come first.  I don't sabotage my coworkers but I no longer put their best interests ahead of mine.   It sounds selfish but I think I needed to be a bit.  In the end you are your own best friend so don't screw yourself over for anyone's benefit.  

The Ultimate Worrier

I worry 

Everyone has hobbies or secret talents.  Unfortunately mine is worrying.  I worry over everything.  I worry over everyone.  How I don't have an ulcer I never know.  I take it to extremes.  I worry over things that I should know will be alright.   I worry over people I really shouldn't.  The old song Overkill by Men At Work perfectly describes me.   

Why do I worry?  What makes me flip out?   I could probably explain away that its an unfortunate byproduct  of the fire, which to this day makes me second guess almost every move I make.   But I've been like this for as long as I remember.   It's not all bad.  I just wish I didn't waste so much time and energy worrying about things not in my control.  

Day after day it reappears.  Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear.  Ghosts appear and fade away....

Transitional musings

Life can certainly get in the way can't it.  2013 is continuing to be probably the biggest transitional year I've had since I moved to Calgary in the first place.  Friends coming and going.  Relationships over before they start.   A job that, two months in, I'm already looking for a way out of.   I think I'm more afraid of complacency than of the unknown.   I don't want to settle for the job or relationship I don't want.  So I'm not going to.  I'm going to chip and chip and chip until I find what makes me happy.   If it takes a mulligan or two then at least I tried.  For 34 years I always put my happiness last.  Now it's time for me to look out for me.  

So I went to create a blog and I remembered I already made one

That was kind of embarrassing.  But it was nice to see what I was thinking about 2 years ago.  

Lots of changes since May of 2011.....

-My new house is now a not so new house, my drive to keep it pristine and clean has now been overtaken by a ridiculously (and needlessly) stressful job, and a furry little roommate who doesn't clean the house despite the free rent and food

-Aforementioned new roommate.   A furry black cat who loves cuddling and chicken, but hates being picked up and being startled.  I took her in as a favor to a friend who had more cats than square footage, and a year and a half later we're still inseparable.

-The also aforementioned new job.   I was happy to be out of Mentor Engineering, so I could start fresh somewhere else....now in a way I'd give anything to be back there.   In May of 2011, I worked in a department of 3 people who I developed great, yet different friendships with.   I miss seeing them everyday, but life goes on.


-I am now single, seeing someone, with a variable milage of if there will be a future in it.   I still keep contact with my ex(the person I was dating when I created this blog), but in a lowkey way in which we are hardly a factor in each other's lives anymore.    

-A good friend of mine who I used to date is now making fun of me in heaven.   She's probably telling everyone who will listen about what a pain in the butt I am as we speak.  2 years has past and I still think about texting her to see if she wants to go for coffee.  

All 3 of my siblings are not only adults but high school graduates.  As of September, they will all be enrolled in post secondary schools and I could not be more prouder of all 3 of them.   My Stepmom says that they all look up to me, but in reality I hope they learn from my mistakes as a college dropout who never made it back.   I want them to be better than I ever was, and in many ways they already are. And I don't say that with bitterness, or envy, or regret.  I say it with pride.  

Well, thats aboot it right now.   I will try to keep in touch more often now.  Till then, have a happy Saturday!