A Christmas Memory

I always get a little reflective during this time of year.   I will hear a Christmas song, or see a certain thing, and it will immediately bring be back to a certain Christmas of my past....so I decided to go to my Blog and reflect on a Christmas from 30 years ago that stood out for some reason or another.  

Christmas 1983 (4 years old):  My memories of this is a bit cloudy, obviously as look at how old I was!   But this is how I remember it, but it may not be exactly as it happened, but it does stand out...

My Grandmother passed away months earlier, and nonetheless my Grandfather still had everyone over for Christmas in his old house on Ritchie Street in Kimberley.   At the time, I was the youngest cousin, and the only boy, so I was kind of doing my own thing as my older cousins Colleen and Candace, were doing girl stuff that I wasn't privy to.  Grandpa abruptly decided to excuse himself from the party so he could go outside and "shovel", which seemed legit enough as it was Kimberley and it was most likely snowing.  Suddenly out of the carport came "Santa Claus".... my cousins acted like they just saw The Beatles coming off the plane.  So were all the grown ups(though in hindsight it was just probably to humour us kiddies, so it was probably in a wink wink nudge nudge way), and here I was, in my own way, calling bullshit.   I knew immediately that it was Grandpa in disguise, why didn't my cousins?  Or the grownups for that matter??   I want to say I held it close to the chest, patiently bided my time then confronted him over it in private, but knowing me and how bigmouthed I was(I know...was??) I probably babbled that I knew who he was as soon as I saw him.  When it came time to sit on "Santa's" knee and receive my goodie bag (in an old school Overwaitea paper bag, no less!), I whispered to him that his secret was safe and I wouldn't tell anyone, even though I probably already did.   He studied my face and smiled and patted my head.  I left, feeling like I was "let in on it" and happily went on my merry way.  My Mom asked jokingly if I was being a troublemaker(me?  Never!) and I said no, me and Santa had a very nice chat.  And I watched as my aunts, uncles, even my Mom seemed completely oblivious that this was freaking Grandpa in disguise!!!  Grandpa should've been a secret agent I think.  

 Sure enough, as soon as Santa left, Grandpa conveniently came back and was disappointed that he just missed him.....just like Clark Kent.  Though Santa made sure to leave him a nice new pair of gloves, so not all was lost:)

Maybe I will write another memory if one strikes me, but I hope if you read this one, you get a good chuckle, or maybe relate to it in some way.  Till then, have a very Merry Christmas!  

Saying goodbye a little later than I should have

This time of year has always been a little bittersweet....I am excited for the holidays, and to see my family.  I am my happiest when I am home with them.  But it also marks a sad anniversary.  I'm going to get a little longwinded on this one....but maybe telling this story will help me with some closure...

I first met Tara in May 2006.  My life, at the time, was a complete mess.  I bounced from job to job, and to make ends meet I moved in with some friends of mine who recently married and bought a house.  One night a few days into my new digs, amid checking my mail to see if any bites for potential job leads came up, I got an email from a dating site that a friend ill advisedly suggested I try.  With the state of my affairs at the time the last thing I needed or wanted was a relationship...but nonetheless I was intrigued by her email.  She was 22, she had no picture, which she explained away as "not knowing how to upload one!" (which I found out later that she was right she was the least tech savvy person I knew).  But she had a very nice, sincere, friendly message and I was interested in getting to know her better.   So we agreed to meet, at a Shoppers Drug Mart, of all places...when she pulled up I had no idea what to expect.  When I first saw her, the cartoon hearts were all around me.  She had these gorgeous big green eyes, a cute, impish little smile and long curly brown hair.  She shyly said hi, are you Brad?  And I barely stammered an affirmative and we both went to find a coffee shop nearby.  The Tims was ridiculously busy (which is strange for a Saturday night), so we took our coffees to go and went to a park....we talked about everything for what was hours and seemed like minutes.  by the end we were holding hands and cuddling up on the bench together.  I got home on cloud 9, and also found out I got a job I applied for and had an interview with.   That job I would be at for 7 years but thats another story....

So for the next bit me and Tara dated.  We had our ups and downs as we both had a huge amount of baggage at the time, and finally we decided to break up, but be friends.....she ended up going back to her ex and I had a very difficult time accepting that.   So after several weeks of embarrassing myself by pulling out all the stops to get her back, we just mutually decided to go our separate ways for good...

...which turned out to be about 9 months.  I just moved back into my own place and a mutual friend of mine and Taras said she was asking about me and wanted to see if I wanted to meet up.  We did and I was floored by how she changed physically.  She lost a lot of weight(she was never a bigger girl to begin with but she was super skinny), she had long straight blonde hair and blue contacts.  Still she had that beautiful smile I fell in love with.  Her conservative clothes were replaced by short skirts and tight jeans.  We ended up hanging out a lot, and some drama happened where she was staying and she ended up moving in with me.  Which was a bad idea, considering I was still in love with her, and I was her buddy.   Tara admitted later she wanted it both ways.  She loved me and wanted to be with me, but she felt as though she ruins everything, and I was better off without her. Nonetheless we were inseparable, and did everything together, mostly acting as a couple even if we weren't one.   Then she met her future husband, and I admit, I felt like she stopped caring about me completely, which is a byproduct of all new relationships.  You lose sight quickly, I know I've done it.  He was around all the time, watching my TV, using my computer, and I felt third wheeled in my own apartment.  And finally it ended, and ended ugly.   I kicked them both out one night and, after a huge loud argument, we once again went our separate ways....

Several months later I got one of her T4s in the mail.  I awkwardly emailed her, because the last time we talked the words exchanged were not kind.  I asked where she would like me to send it to and she said the address, and that i was good to hear from me....I tersely thanked her and wished her well.   But one day a bit later she showed up and insisted we go for coffee.   We talked about everything, how she was doing, how I was doing, etc,  and while it was very low-key, we were on at least speaking terms again.   A year later(this was 2009), she got married, and while I didn't want to go, I did.  That kind of closed the book on my romantic thoughts I had about her, but I still loved her.  We became good friends again and I even became friends with her husband for a time.   When I had my fire in early 2011, they took me in and let me stay with them until I had my own place.   By this time, Tara had another baby, and was in pretty bad shape health wise.  See she had a rare blood disease and it did a lot of damage to her heart.  She put on a lot of weight and was very self conscious about it, and always worried her husband wasn't being faithful to her, but I always assured her that he was a good guy and he loved her for who she was.

Two years ago today, I was having dinner with the person I was dating at the time, when I got repeated calls from Tara's cell....I shrugged them off and kept eating.  We had a minor disagreement on Thanksgiving a month prior and we haven't really talked since.  But it was her husband, saying that Tara had a massive stroke and it was unlikely she would survive.  She's on life support but her brain is pretty much non functioning.  I felt the wind come out of my body, and I did what I always do....I walled up and pretended it wasn't a big deal.  I calmly asked if there was anything I could do, and he said no, but if I want to say goodbye I should.....

I didn't.....

Two weeks later she passed away peacefully at the age of 27.  I got the text from her husband in the middle of the night telling me, and I casually mentioned it to Terri (my girlfriend at the time), and she said she was so sorry.   I felt numb and said lets go for breakfast.   She later said she was taken aback by how aloof and detached I was(and was one of the reasons we broke up), and in hindsight I kind of am as well.  But its how I deal with these things.....I was firmly in denial and didn't even go to her funeral.  Her husband understood, and said everything will be just fine on his end.  That was the last time I also talked to him.  Some issues arisen shortly after her death that made me realize how stupid I was to trust him, and while I don't hate him, there is no place for him in my life.

One night I was going through my old mail.  It was about a week or so before christmas, and I saw an email from Tara.....sent maybe 3 weeks before her stroke.   She said she was sorry and she wanted to go for coffee to talk because she missed me.  That was the moment I fell apart.  I am not ashamed to admit I cried all night.

I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, and I regret every chance we could've spent together but didn't.  Life is too short to get caught up in petty bullshit.  I miss Tara every single day and while I don't mention her much, I think about her.  Hoping she somehow knows I'm sorry.  Mostly I wish she would just show up, no questions asked, at my door and make me go to Tim Hortons with her.


So....I changed my mind.   I still don't want to say goodbye, I will just smile and know somewhere she is keeping an eye on me.  Giving me dirty looks when I eat 7-11 hot dogs, complaining her feet are cold and I can't involuntarily warm them up like I used to.

I miss you a lot Tarbear!

How to lose my vote in 4 months

Well, another civic election tomorrow....has it been 3 years since longtime Alderman Ric McIver, CFCN anchor Barb Higgins and some unknown guy named Naheed Nenshi went toe to toe.  I voted for McIver, myself, primarily because of his civic experience.  In hindsight Nenshi probably won BECAUSE of his lack of experience.  He represented change.  Did it mean we could tell everyone who would listen that we were progressive?  Maybe.  It didn't hurt that late in the election he received a surprising endorsement from the Calgary Sun, which undoubtedly played a hand in some voters giving him a listen and liking what they heard.  

Flash forward to June of this year.   A lot of Nenshi's policies got under my (and a lot of people's) skin. I follow him on Twitter and enjoy his "give as good as he gets" approach to hecklers.  I found him an entertaining guy, if not a spectacular mayor.  In June, we had a major flood, and Nenshi did what any leader should do in his position, and, to his credit, he did it right.  He took charge, worked tirelessly, and became a booster of a town that needed one.  By the end of June, just as we were picking up the pieces of our damaged City Centre, Nenshi emerged as a superhero.  Its cynical to assume that Nenshi put on the Superman costume and "saved the day" knowing that an election was looming, but to think it wasn't at least part of it would be naive.  As bad as it sounds, the flood was a terrible day for Calgarians but a great day for the Nenshi administration.  

Even if I call bullshit on some of his heroics(and yes I know I sang his praises at the time as well), that's not what soured me to him.  Hell, he's just doing what any politician would do, and if I were mayor I would probably have done the same.  No, its just a case of one good deed, doesn't cancel out several bad ones.    Riding on a wave of good will here is what our busy mayor has done in 2013:

-Raised property taxes exponentially.   Owning property in Calgary is hard enough, given the volatile market, but if you add unreasonably increased taxes on top of that, you just make more people looking to sell out and move to neighboring towns. 

-Decided for us that keeping the 52 million dollars promised back to us as taxpayers was the right thing to do, given our circumstances.  I would buy that if the end bill of the flood damage is provincial, not civic.  So where is this money going?  Nenshi has officially became that friend who owes you money but constantly makes excuses not to pay it back.   

-After a heated twitter fight (yes, a twitter fight) between Nenshi and Ezra Levant went way too far, Nenshi "just kidding but not really" asked when Levant stopped beating his wife.   I don't care for Ezra Levant, in fact I like Nenshi a lot more than I like him, but that was a lowclass, meanspirited unsubstantiated jab that is inexcusable, especially from the Mayor of the third largest city in Canada.  Domestic violence has always been kind of a berserk button for me, so even jokingly I didn't see the humour in it and I lost a lot of respect for Nenshi over it.  He has since apologized, more that his "good natured jab was taken out of context" than of actually being hurtful to Levant and his family.  

I've heard people compare Nenshi to everyone from Rudy Gulliani to Barack Obama.   To me, he reminds me more of Mayor Quimby from The Simpsons.  Shake your hand with one hand and pick your pocket with the next.  

Kind of ironically enough, the front page story of the Calgary Sun is an article explaining why they do not endorse Nenshi in this election.  I already voted in the Advance Vote, so I didn't need to read the article, but  lets just say the guy who didn't get my vote in 2010 also didn't get it in 2013. 

Giving Thanks

It's been a while since I've written in here.  But I sit here at my Dads house the only one up (even Buddy the family dog is snoozing next to me). But I always enjoy coming here to see my family and also to put my life into perspective.  It's been a real up and down 2013 so far and hopefully as it's beginning to wrap up there are no more curve balls.  I'm very thankful for the unconditional support my family always gives me even as they have their own stuff to deal with.  I'm thankful to the friends who stick around even when I don't make it easy to.  In my own drama from the past couple years I lost sight of the fact that I have it way better than most. And in am truly thankful for what I have and the people in my life.  

Dear Telus, Bell, and Rogers.....

Enough with the whiny, self serving ads!

A rumoured (and at this point it's merely just that) entry into Canada by one of the US's biggest Cell phone providers has Robellus (Rogers, Bell and Telus) crying foul.   You see, they are prohibited from entering Canada outright, but they are apparently sneaking in through the backdoor by attempting to acquire one of the upstart networks that are, at this point, unable to provide coverage outside of major metropolitan areas.  Which begs a few questions from this simpleminded blogger:

1)  Why are three largest cell phone providers in the country (and infact the only 3 to provide nationwide coverage) so chummy?  It's supposed to be a cut throat, no holds barred fight to the death in outdoing each other to give their subscribers the best bang for your buck right?   Yeah, not so much....not anymore anyway.  

2)  Why are they so scared of competition outside of their own comfortable little circle?   If they were so confident in their product and offerings, you'd think they would have the mentality of "fine, come on in, we will crush you because we are the best".  

So how are they combatting this potential "invasion"?  Are they eliminating the "handcuffing" of 3 year terms?  Well, sort of, they knocked most new ones to 2 years, and Telus, Bell and Rogers are offering some attractive offers in their respective "discount" brands of Koodo, Virgin and Fido....but they give those kind of offers every year....it probably has little or nothing to do with Verizon.....so what are they doing to pre-emptively rally Canadians to their side?  

They are doing radio, newspaper, and TV ads....lots of them, and why not?  Rogers and Bell also control most of the other media as well, right?  And what's worse is how patronizing and insulting the whole thing is to us as Canadians.

They are painting themselves as hardworking pioneers who built nationwide cell coverage into what it is today, because really, who's heard of Clearnet, Cantel, and other companies that did a lot of the heavy lifting, but were gobbled up by, yep, Rogers, Bell and Telus.  They prey on our patriotism and make us feel guilty for even considering leaving them.  "We can't give you a no-term no contract monthly phone plan without a catch....but you would be pleased to know we are Canadian too!"  

Personally, I think Verizon should be allowed in, even if I don't give them my business.   There is nothing wrong with competition (and I mean real competition, not 3 poker buddies playing with our money).   I used to be a Wind customer and I would still be, if it didn't become more expensive due to me spending lengthy periods outside of their coverage areas.  I know I would like more selection, and I don't think I'm alone.  So my advice to Robellus is to simply stop treating us like idiots.  Stop arrogantly assuming we will never leave.   If Verizon came in and offered a more attractive plan than either of you, then I wouldn't think twice.  I have a feeling that a lot of people wouldn't either.  

Billy Joel, of all people, could do the Soundtrack of my life

As a child of the 80s, he's already peaked by the time I was old enough to recognize his music.  Nonetheless, my parents were both fans of his, and therefore his music played often while I grew up.  As I get older, my music tastes change a lot, but some people I always revert back to, and Billy Joel is one of them.   He definitely isn't the coolest guy in the world, but maybe that was it....I could relate to so many of his songs......

1)  You May Be Right-  This song is basically acknowledging what an exhausting pain in the ass he is. That's definitely me, I would be the guy who has to apologize profusely the next day for acting out of hand, but, pointing out how much fun I would be if you got the stick out of your ass.  

2)  Honesty-  A sappy ballad, yet....it's also very personal, because I've had several relationships where I was let down easy, when all I want is the truth.  

3) Big Shot-  This song reminds me of my Dad....because it's pretty much how he sarcastically regarded me when I moved to Calgary with all these big plans and no freaking clue. Though its about berating someone who had too much to drink and acted like a complete idiot....which could also pertain to me at times...

4)  I go to Extremes-  Pretty self explanatory....I don't burn bridges I napalm the shit out of them.  

5) My Life- I react.....prickly....when people try to tell me what to do.  This song pretty much says it all.   

6) Leave a Tender Moment Alone- Basically how I react when I meet someone I like.....Generally I get nervous and talk too much and make her think I'm a complete boob.  

7) Anthony's Song (Moving Out)-An inversion of this song....I live in Calgary(not Hackensack like the song), pay a ludicrous amount to live here and have a crummy job....hopefully it doesn't give me a heart attack-ack-ack-ack-ack

8) A Matter of Trust-  I have trust issues, but this is the most important thing to me in any relationship

9) Just the Way You Are- Makes me think of my family, as they are the only people who actually don't judge me and care about me for who I am.....there's also a friend or two...

10) Keeping The Faith- Despite my misanthropic exterior at times, I always do

11) Pressure- More on myself than anyone else.  I always say, nobody's harder on me than me. 

   

Tangled up in Blue

Self reflection time......goody....

I'm sitting on my deck, enjoying the nice sunshine with a cold beer in my hand, going through Facebook.  Of course I'm also on my computer....

I see friends and acquaintances I grew up with, mostly around the same age as I am, and they are mostly married, have kids, have their lives established, and I look around and realize I am very behind the 8 ball.   I have a well paying job, and live in a nice place, have great friends and a wonderful family, but aside from a furball who would love me unconditionally as long as I feed her, my house, my life itself, feels a little empty.   I've had numerous chances to get married over the years, with people who could have easily made me happy and vice versa.  I could sit here and say I only attract crazies, but it really isn't true(though there have been a few....).  I think my problem is I want what I can't have. As much as I hate quoting a Lady Gaga song, there really is something about the chase.

It's not even like I don't want to meet someone.   Thing is, I find myself thinking more and more about a platonic friend.  Someone I've known for a long time, but feel the most relaxed and able to be myself with than just about anyone.  However, we have such an awesome friendship I couldn't even think about risking it for a relationship that may or may not work out, even if she felt the same way.  Or is it more because I know deep down that she doesn't, and again it's the chase that draws me to her.

Or maybe this 34 year old man should stop acting like he's 20 and grow up.    

Random Snippets

A few lessons and observations, either by my experiences or as an observer of someone else's:

• Life isn't fair, and (spoiler alert) it never will be.  Make due with what you have and always strive to make it better.
• Kids these days aren't any better or worse than when you were a kid.  There were irritating little shits even in your Grandparents day, they just seem worse because you got older and crankier.  
• You could lament about how crappy music is today, but didn't our grandparents(or Great-Grandparents) feel the same way about The Beatles and Elvis?  
• If you were dating someone for more than a year and you have no pictures together, haven't met each other's family and friends, then you were never in a relationship.  Stop deluding yourself.  
• Ties in with the previous one.  Never think with your heart.  Your heart is noble but profoundly stupid.  
• Don't complain too much about what you don't have, because there are people in the world who would give anything to have what you do have right now.
• The people that matter always find a way of coming back, even after bridges are burned and things seem irreparable.  If they don't, then you are both better off without each other.
• You are the owner and sole proprietor of your happiness.  If you aren't happy it's your problem and responsibility to do something about it.  Don't expect anyone else to do it for you.  
• Why can you get a burger for a little over a buck at just about any fast food place you pass on the highway but salads are much more?   I love a burger as much as the next guy but they should make healthy food at least as accessible as junk food.  
• We worry too much about the people who shouldn't matter and we tend to neglect that people that do.
• Nostalgia breeds regret, overplanning for the future breeds disappointment.   Just live life moment to moment and keep a plan B handy incase you need it.
• When all is said and done, your best friend is you.   Don't shortchange yourself for anyone's benefit.

Fine. Next Wednesday then

Due to work and a lack of things to talk about I kind of abandoned my blog for a bit.  Not much has changed.   Still kinda sorta but not really seeing someone.  Still wanting to find a new job.   I feel like I'm in a severe rut and I need a change of scenery.   Is it running away from my problems or looking for a fresh start?   It doesn't really matter because I will never actually pull the trigger.  I talk. I don't do. And that's an issue I need to change

See you next Tuesday

Or this Tuesday

I sit for my daily triple triple and bagel and look out the window.  I see blue sky despite a chilly morning.  Cars go by on their way to work.  And all of this would be happening whether I was here or not.  

Don't get me wrong...I'm not being cryptic.  My whole point is life goes on.  We have a deep rooted arrogance in that we are indispensable.  Life stops when we do and starts again when convenient for us.  It would be nice at times but that's not how life works.  I had a job in which I thought they'd be stupid to let me go.   I didn't consider that someone else who didn't care about my or anyone else's contributions would buy the company and decide we were not needed.   It was a bitter pill to swallow, but one I kinda needed.   It changed me a bit.   Since then I decided that as far as work was concerned I come first.  I don't sabotage my coworkers but I no longer put their best interests ahead of mine.   It sounds selfish but I think I needed to be a bit.  In the end you are your own best friend so don't screw yourself over for anyone's benefit.  

The Ultimate Worrier

I worry 

Everyone has hobbies or secret talents.  Unfortunately mine is worrying.  I worry over everything.  I worry over everyone.  How I don't have an ulcer I never know.  I take it to extremes.  I worry over things that I should know will be alright.   I worry over people I really shouldn't.  The old song Overkill by Men At Work perfectly describes me.   

Why do I worry?  What makes me flip out?   I could probably explain away that its an unfortunate byproduct  of the fire, which to this day makes me second guess almost every move I make.   But I've been like this for as long as I remember.   It's not all bad.  I just wish I didn't waste so much time and energy worrying about things not in my control.  

Day after day it reappears.  Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear.  Ghosts appear and fade away....

Transitional musings

Life can certainly get in the way can't it.  2013 is continuing to be probably the biggest transitional year I've had since I moved to Calgary in the first place.  Friends coming and going.  Relationships over before they start.   A job that, two months in, I'm already looking for a way out of.   I think I'm more afraid of complacency than of the unknown.   I don't want to settle for the job or relationship I don't want.  So I'm not going to.  I'm going to chip and chip and chip until I find what makes me happy.   If it takes a mulligan or two then at least I tried.  For 34 years I always put my happiness last.  Now it's time for me to look out for me.  

So I went to create a blog and I remembered I already made one

That was kind of embarrassing.  But it was nice to see what I was thinking about 2 years ago.  

Lots of changes since May of 2011.....

-My new house is now a not so new house, my drive to keep it pristine and clean has now been overtaken by a ridiculously (and needlessly) stressful job, and a furry little roommate who doesn't clean the house despite the free rent and food

-Aforementioned new roommate.   A furry black cat who loves cuddling and chicken, but hates being picked up and being startled.  I took her in as a favor to a friend who had more cats than square footage, and a year and a half later we're still inseparable.

-The also aforementioned new job.   I was happy to be out of Mentor Engineering, so I could start fresh somewhere else....now in a way I'd give anything to be back there.   In May of 2011, I worked in a department of 3 people who I developed great, yet different friendships with.   I miss seeing them everyday, but life goes on.


-I am now single, seeing someone, with a variable milage of if there will be a future in it.   I still keep contact with my ex(the person I was dating when I created this blog), but in a lowkey way in which we are hardly a factor in each other's lives anymore.    

-A good friend of mine who I used to date is now making fun of me in heaven.   She's probably telling everyone who will listen about what a pain in the butt I am as we speak.  2 years has past and I still think about texting her to see if she wants to go for coffee.  

All 3 of my siblings are not only adults but high school graduates.  As of September, they will all be enrolled in post secondary schools and I could not be more prouder of all 3 of them.   My Stepmom says that they all look up to me, but in reality I hope they learn from my mistakes as a college dropout who never made it back.   I want them to be better than I ever was, and in many ways they already are. And I don't say that with bitterness, or envy, or regret.  I say it with pride.  

Well, thats aboot it right now.   I will try to keep in touch more often now.  Till then, have a happy Saturday!