I first met Tara in May 2006. My life, at the time, was a complete mess. I bounced from job to job, and to make ends meet I moved in with some friends of mine who recently married and bought a house. One night a few days into my new digs, amid checking my mail to see if any bites for potential job leads came up, I got an email from a dating site that a friend ill advisedly suggested I try. With the state of my affairs at the time the last thing I needed or wanted was a relationship...but nonetheless I was intrigued by her email. She was 22, she had no picture, which she explained away as "not knowing how to upload one!" (which I found out later that she was right she was the least tech savvy person I knew). But she had a very nice, sincere, friendly message and I was interested in getting to know her better. So we agreed to meet, at a Shoppers Drug Mart, of all places...when she pulled up I had no idea what to expect. When I first saw her, the cartoon hearts were all around me. She had these gorgeous big green eyes, a cute, impish little smile and long curly brown hair. She shyly said hi, are you Brad? And I barely stammered an affirmative and we both went to find a coffee shop nearby. The Tims was ridiculously busy (which is strange for a Saturday night), so we took our coffees to go and went to a park....we talked about everything for what was hours and seemed like minutes. by the end we were holding hands and cuddling up on the bench together. I got home on cloud 9, and also found out I got a job I applied for and had an interview with. That job I would be at for 7 years but thats another story....
So for the next bit me and Tara dated. We had our ups and downs as we both had a huge amount of baggage at the time, and finally we decided to break up, but be friends.....she ended up going back to her ex and I had a very difficult time accepting that. So after several weeks of embarrassing myself by pulling out all the stops to get her back, we just mutually decided to go our separate ways for good...
...which turned out to be about 9 months. I just moved back into my own place and a mutual friend of mine and Taras said she was asking about me and wanted to see if I wanted to meet up. We did and I was floored by how she changed physically. She lost a lot of weight(she was never a bigger girl to begin with but she was super skinny), she had long straight blonde hair and blue contacts. Still she had that beautiful smile I fell in love with. Her conservative clothes were replaced by short skirts and tight jeans. We ended up hanging out a lot, and some drama happened where she was staying and she ended up moving in with me. Which was a bad idea, considering I was still in love with her, and I was her buddy. Tara admitted later she wanted it both ways. She loved me and wanted to be with me, but she felt as though she ruins everything, and I was better off without her. Nonetheless we were inseparable, and did everything together, mostly acting as a couple even if we weren't one. Then she met her future husband, and I admit, I felt like she stopped caring about me completely, which is a byproduct of all new relationships. You lose sight quickly, I know I've done it. He was around all the time, watching my TV, using my computer, and I felt third wheeled in my own apartment. And finally it ended, and ended ugly. I kicked them both out one night and, after a huge loud argument, we once again went our separate ways....
Several months later I got one of her T4s in the mail. I awkwardly emailed her, because the last time we talked the words exchanged were not kind. I asked where she would like me to send it to and she said the address, and that i was good to hear from me....I tersely thanked her and wished her well. But one day a bit later she showed up and insisted we go for coffee. We talked about everything, how she was doing, how I was doing, etc, and while it was very low-key, we were on at least speaking terms again. A year later(this was 2009), she got married, and while I didn't want to go, I did. That kind of closed the book on my romantic thoughts I had about her, but I still loved her. We became good friends again and I even became friends with her husband for a time. When I had my fire in early 2011, they took me in and let me stay with them until I had my own place. By this time, Tara had another baby, and was in pretty bad shape health wise. See she had a rare blood disease and it did a lot of damage to her heart. She put on a lot of weight and was very self conscious about it, and always worried her husband wasn't being faithful to her, but I always assured her that he was a good guy and he loved her for who she was.
Two years ago today, I was having dinner with the person I was dating at the time, when I got repeated calls from Tara's cell....I shrugged them off and kept eating. We had a minor disagreement on Thanksgiving a month prior and we haven't really talked since. But it was her husband, saying that Tara had a massive stroke and it was unlikely she would survive. She's on life support but her brain is pretty much non functioning. I felt the wind come out of my body, and I did what I always do....I walled up and pretended it wasn't a big deal. I calmly asked if there was anything I could do, and he said no, but if I want to say goodbye I should.....
I didn't.....
Two weeks later she passed away peacefully at the age of 27. I got the text from her husband in the middle of the night telling me, and I casually mentioned it to Terri (my girlfriend at the time), and she said she was so sorry. I felt numb and said lets go for breakfast. She later said she was taken aback by how aloof and detached I was(and was one of the reasons we broke up), and in hindsight I kind of am as well. But its how I deal with these things.....I was firmly in denial and didn't even go to her funeral. Her husband understood, and said everything will be just fine on his end. That was the last time I also talked to him. Some issues arisen shortly after her death that made me realize how stupid I was to trust him, and while I don't hate him, there is no place for him in my life.
One night I was going through my old mail. It was about a week or so before christmas, and I saw an email from Tara.....sent maybe 3 weeks before her stroke. She said she was sorry and she wanted to go for coffee to talk because she missed me. That was the moment I fell apart. I am not ashamed to admit I cried all night.
I never got a chance to say goodbye to her, and I regret every chance we could've spent together but didn't. Life is too short to get caught up in petty bullshit. I miss Tara every single day and while I don't mention her much, I think about her. Hoping she somehow knows I'm sorry. Mostly I wish she would just show up, no questions asked, at my door and make me go to Tim Hortons with her.
So....I changed my mind. I still don't want to say goodbye, I will just smile and know somewhere she is keeping an eye on me. Giving me dirty looks when I eat 7-11 hot dogs, complaining her feet are cold and I can't involuntarily warm them up like I used to.
I miss you a lot Tarbear!
No comments:
Post a Comment